Ode to Thy Christmas Sweater
Oh thy Christmas sweater, the heartache you endure. Months and months tucked away in the closets and drawers. Eternities of solitude, hanging adjacent to other forgotten attire. You snuggle with the fur coat during lonely spring nightfalls. You make small talk with the Halloween costume, envious that his departure comes before yours. You collect dust, and fall victim to mothballs and the coming of age. You feel your girth slowly weighing hanger marks in your tired and lonely shoulders. So abandoned… so neglected.
In your heart of hearts, you know that your day is coming. That one day. That one glorious day you become one with your brethren – when the ugly Christmas sweaters of the world unite. Some call it an excuse to throw a party, others think of it as an excuse to pillage you with aerosol cheese and spilled wine. The worst case, a child finds you. Never in your worst nightmares would you imagine a toddler drooling minced carrots upon your snowflake dressed collar, but it all happens in the name of duty. And that duty is yours thy Christmas sweater – to endure the sacrifice that brings smiles to millions of tacky sweater wearers every year.
So weather you’re a vest, a t-shirt, a sweater or a cardigan we call upon you this holiday season. Become one with us as we celebrate all the glory that is ugly Christmas sweater season. Become the social glue of your wearers and catch up on small talk about you snowflake and Santa highlights. Be one with the chiming bells on your shoulders, and light the life of the party with you battery operated LEDs. Ride the 2:00am taxi home and be tossed on our floors before bedtime. Sleep there. Dream that in the morning you’ll enjoy a nice hand wash in the utility sink, or even a trip to the cleaners.
And when you return home, resting yet again on that neglected hanger, or laying in the lower shelf… remember… you have been part of a movement. Though your rise to fame only happens once a year, we are nothing without you. No Christmas is complete without you, and you are a timeless addition to what we here on planet earth call… Christmas.